I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
