Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
