I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
