you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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