Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
