her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
