My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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