somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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