I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
