there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
3pm strippers are depressing
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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