where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
