All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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