I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize