The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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