You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
