So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
