I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
