If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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