I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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