Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
