You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I believe in your delicious
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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