so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
