even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
