He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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