The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
