I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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