I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
