He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
