I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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