He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
