I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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