Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
