I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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