I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
