you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
