I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
