She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
