i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
