woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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