Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
