I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
