you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
