there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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