I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We have started to decorate penises.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
