If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
