I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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