you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
