So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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