rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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