the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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