dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
