I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
