I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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