I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
