I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
