we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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