I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.